Crooked Reports

Oink Senyora

2009-05-19T18:16:00.002+01:00

Yesterday, we received the Swine Flu Information leaflet we'd been eagerly awaiting for so wrong (I joke, didn't really care.) . I decided that a fair punishment for the late arrival of this life saving material was to deface it, completely.

I began by locating the word Swine on every page and replacing it with Pig.

I then went on to do this.
Original Text:
World Heath Organisation (WHO)

My Annotation:
World Heath Organisation (WHO?).

The man on the front cover had a slight cold, and he unfortunately sneezed at the time the picture was taken. I therefore decided to be courteous and put 'Bless You' in a huge speech bubble.

I then drew a mustache on the man, for fun.

Finally, this:
Original Text:
This leaflet contains important information to help you and your family - KEEP IT SAFE!

My Better Version:
This leaflet contains important information to help you and your nose - KEEP IT SAFE!

Thanks for laughing at my typing,
G'bye!

Inspiration Loss

2009-05-18T17:18:00.002+01:00

Not much to post about today. Trying to work on a half decent template for this blog. It looks terribly unprofessional. Blogspot offer you 16 templates. 16?!

It may seem like a lot, but it's not enough.

Will find something worth posting by tomorrow.

I bet my life on it*, bye!

*Not really my life, it's yours.

Woof Borris, Woof!

2009-05-17T09:12:00.005+01:00

Any Londoner will know that our public transport system is the worst, anywhere, ever. When your riding on the replacement bus service that takes 45 Minutes, when the tube takes 10, it's very frustrating.
Now, while observing my surroundings on this bus I saw the following features:

Gum on the floor
Guy who kept farting
Dried apple juice(urine) on the wall
Really loud eastern European guy
Woman who wants the world to hear her phone conversation
Dead bird on the road

Imagine if all forms of transport included these features! It could be exploited as a major selling point to tourists who want to see the real London.
Here's how I imagine it:
Click the image to see the actual writing, it's not funny otherwise, kind of defeats the point. Just realised I made a typo in there. Person who spots it and points it out wins my eternal hatred!
Personally, I wouldn't buy that ticket, but whatever.

Yes, tis a Funny Blog isn't it!

Fail Internets and Green Stuff

2009-05-16T11:37:00.003+01:00

Currently, I'm with the ISP named AOL.
WARNING TO ALL HUMANS! DO NOT USE AOL!

It's been said, and you should now follow these guidelines for life. Their live chat closes at 5pm every day. Conveniently, my internet never crashes until after that. Being the lazy and optimistic person I am, I never feel the need to talk to them before that, as my internet actually works.

It has occurred to me that perhaps this daily shut down is planned! This is not conspiracy, this is pure fact in my opinion. I imagine this is how the conversation went:
1:Excuse me sir, our internets is fail, we have no monies left!
2: Well, just shut it down for two hours a day.
1: But that will make the peoples angry about our fail internets sir.
2: Well, let's just say we're saving the planet by shutting down for a bit daily.
1: Of course, you're a genius Mr AOL.
2: I know.

This leads me to my second point, how are we saving the PLANET?
This planet has been through many natural occurrences such as:
Earthquakes
Volcanoes
Ice Ages
Tidal Waves
Plate Tectonics
George Bush

How exactly is a bit of heat going to kill this planet? It's going to kill the human race. Obviously, this does not best please me, but it allows me to be right, so whatever. The only person I can point the finger of blame to is George Bush, as mentioned above. I have made an artists impression of George Bush's future hopes:Terrifying eh?
G'bye!

Bad Inventions

2009-05-15T17:19:00.000+01:00

All inventions die out sooner or later. Although, some of them disappear quicker than others. Some examples of these are the Snooper Camera, the inflatable dart board and my person favourite, the pedal-powered wheel chair. Join me on a journey through some of the worst inventions created, ever. Please note, they're not in order of stupidity.

#1 : The Snooper Camera
At first sight, this invention seems perfectly reasonable. It's a great device for photographers to hold their cameras on. On the other hand, when you think about the potential this invention could achieve, we begin to worry.

I introduce: the Snooper Camera.

Of course, now we see why this product was REALLY made. Please direct your attention towards the middle of the above picture. This man, posing as a photographer is quite possibly a peeping tom, more widely known as a "pervert". All this beside, at least the Snooper Camera has a simple, easy to read set of instructions...Oh, wait...

#2: The Chopstick Fan
As everyone is completely aware, chopsticks are the most difficult food instruments ever created. Of course, the only possible addition that could be made to the simple chopstick is a fan! What genius thought of this?! In my case, my food is already cold by the time its in my mouth if I'm using chopsticks. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PICTURE CONTAINS EXTREME STUPIDITY!

Yes, you are actually seeing that. I've lost faith in humanity, and the Chinese.

#3: Stick-O-Butter
Only one thing can be said about this invention, "Only in America". So, what is this? Well, at schools across the world, pricksticks are used to stick stuff together. Well, of course, this invention combines the prickstick and...butter!As if people aren't fat enough.

#4 : The Inflatable Dart Board
The term Oxymoron comes to mind for this one. Something that really made me laugh was this quote "complete with darts and a puncture repair kit, just in case you fail to control one of your throws." The kind of people who actually use an inflatable dart board, probably don't possess the intelligence to try and throw a dart at the center of the board. So, here it is, in it's packaging:

Fun for all the family!

#5 : The Pedal-Power Wheelchair
This is by fair the worst invention made, ever. The words wheelchair instantly bring to mind someone who has partial or no use of their legs. Exactly what use would a wheelchair powered by a pedaling action be?

That guy is probably stuck there, still. I found a much better alternative to this product, thank god for my brilliance!

Unfortunately, that concludes this analysis of the most perverse, stupid and politically incorrect inventions. Hope you enjoyed it!